Does Weight Matter?

I can never get a guy to even look at me because I’m big!!!!!!!!!! How do I find a guy that won’t mind my weight?

I Samuel 16:7 “…The LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.”

Do you have a criterion when looking for a guy to date? Does he have to be taller than you? Does he have to have a Master’s degree? Does he have to be physically fit? You may have said yes to all of these things, or perhaps you don’t require any of them. Whether you do or not, most of us have a list of things we want in a partner and things we do not want. Sometimes that list consists of things that don’t matter, like hair color, but most of that list consists of things that have some sort of rationale. For example, girls often want a guy that is bigger than them so that they look and feel smaller. A girl might want a guy with a Master’s degree because to her that translates as security; or she might want a guy who is physically fit because it insinuates that the guy is energetic and enthusiastic, which translates as success.

Guys have lists in mind too, and sometimes, as unfair as it is, appearance is high on that list. Fortunately, the more mature a person becomes, the more they will look for what makes a relationship work and less at what does not matter; and you will recognize maturity when a person makes appropriate and thoughtful choices. It might be fun to hang out with a supermodel for a day or two, or sporadically, but looks alone will not make a relationship strong and healthy. First Samuel 16:7 says: “…The LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.” We often care more about the outside of a person than the inside, and this verse implies that it should not be this way. We should strive to be more like God and look at the heart and less at appearances.

Sometimes being big is just who we are. It might be a matter of genetics, or maybe you are just taller than most girls and there is no amount of dieting that will change that. But sometimes being big is a symptom of underlying issues. There is something here that is more important than worrying about guys not looking at you because you are “big.” Do you like who you are, regardless of your size? There are days when you may not like who you are based on a bad decision, and there may be longer periods of time that you do not like yourself because of the people you surround yourself with, but as followers of Christ, we should like who we are. In the meantime, try to consider it a blessing when guys overlook you because you are big; they are focusing on the outside. It might sound nice to have lots of guys liking you, but the more people notice you, the more they could distract you. Your goal should not be to get as many guys as possible to stare at your body––regardless of your size. If you are looking for a meaningful relationship, then your goal should be to attract only the guys that care about you as a person, and vice versa. The way to attract them is with good character and self confidence.

The bottom line is that something has to change, and that can be scary, because change is one the hardest things a person can go through, especially when it involves changing self perception. In your case, you may have to change eating habits, exercise, or both, which means that you may have to change when and where you spend your time. However, the more essential and difficult change deals with your self-esteem, which is the culmination of the way you see yourself and how you think others see you. A real change of character requires a watershed moment. This is basically the moment when you decide in your heart that you are going to go through a transformation. The watershed moment leads to a crucible period, which is basically a much longer period of time that really tests who you are. For example, when people make their New Year’s resolutions they may have had a watershed moment. The next step, the crucible period, is spending the next six months or a year fulfilling that promise. Unfortunately, many people fail to stick to the commitment; in other words, they cannot endure the crucible. But this is where you are going to be different. You are going to love who you are and you are going to make any changes that are appropriate and reasonable. I did not say strive to become the prettiest girl is school, or the thinnest, but a person you are happy to be.

Being physically attractive or caring about your appearance is not inherently wrong; it is completely normal to want to be attractive. However, it should not supersede the humble pursuit of self-confidence, not to be mistaken for pride. Ask yourself if being big is something you can change, and if you are willing. Or is it something you cannot change? If it is something you can change and you want to, yet you do not, it may be perceived as weakness of character. If it is something you cannot change and you accept it and love who you are regardless, it will be perceived as strength of character, and quality guys will notice that.

The other day I caught a story on TV about a man who was confined to a bed; he could not move because he was so big. That is obviously unhealthy. However, there is a point when big does not mean unhealthy, or lazy, and of course, not unattractive. You have to decide if guys are not looking your way because you are big, or if they are not looking at you because you are self conscious about being big. One of the most unattractive things to a guy is insecurity; you have to figure out a way to love yourself if you have not already. People like people who like themselves. Understand that even thin girls can be viewed as unattractive if they are insecure. As funny as it might sound, try spending some time with yourself. Figure out who you are and realize all of your great qualities. Believe that you are valuable, and guys will start to believe it too.

- Mitch Ebie

Temptation

“My boyfriend and I are struggling with sexual temptation. What can I do to help him keep his mind pure?”

It is a good thing that you have the desire to improve your relationship and keep things peaceful. That is an essential quality when you are a wife and mother, and it is a godly characteristic. In fact, that is the way God designed you. However, when it comes to romantic relationships, that quality should be mostly reserved until you’re married. If you try to make every relationship in your life “the one,” then you will be hurt and exhausted. Don’t use that quality trying to save something that is not working. You will know that a relationship is worth fighting for when both of you respect each other.

All the way up until the wedding day couples are essentially negotiating a contract that determines their role in the relationship. But it is not like bargaining in a street market where you are trying to get as much as you can for as little as possible. You are negotiating for mutual respect and equality. Unfortunately, when it is treated like bargaining, the focus is often who “wears the pants,” who spends their time in the kitchen, who has the final say, who gives in, and how far you will go physically. There is still negotiation once you are married, of course, but the wedding is the time that the contract is signed, literally. So, make sure to read the fine print while you are dating.

Thus far in your relationship you have negotiated terms. With some couples it might be like this: boy agrees to change his Facebook status to “in a relationship” and girl agrees put her heart in boys hands and be sexually active with him. It does not seem fair but that is often the extent of the agreement. The way that your question is worded implies that you may have both agreed that those terms will include “messing around” to some extent. Fortunately, you are in a relationship that you can get out of. There are two choices before marriage; either stay together or break up. I hope you would agree that you should not stay together under the current circumstances, which leaves only one choice. But I am also trying to emphasize the difficulty of trying to build up a new relationship on top of one that is already falling down; in other words, a break up is often the only solution.

There are many good reasons to remain pure, even in the midst of sexual temptation; think about what you will avoid: STDs, pregnancy, loss of self respect, loss of peer respect, and a broken heart. Furthermore, and most importantly, it is contrary to what the Bible teaches. Here is a short list to research: I Thessalonians 4:3-5 directly states God’s plan to avoid sexual immorality; Hebrews 13:4; 1 Corinthians 7:34 assumes that any unmarried person is a virgin; and Deuteronomy 22:13-21 best illustrates the Old Testament reverence for sexual purity. Have any of those good reasons been enough to keep the two of you sexually pure? If they have not, then actually changing things will require something more painful. Ask yourself if you are strong enough to suffer a little bit now by breaking up so that you will not have to suffer more later. This is the challenge you have to embrace.

Pay attention to happily married people (who are not still in the “honeymoon” phase). Notice that much of their time is spent just being in each other’s presence, not necessarily doing anything, often not even talking. My point is that your boyfriend has to care about you in that time, the time where there is no talking, no staring into each other’s eyes, no laughing, and no physical contact. If it is not enough to just be there with you, it will never be enough when you include “messing around.” Love the essence of a person, not just the perks that come along with them.

There is an order to a godly relationship, and the physical aspect is way down on the divine list; however, it is at the top of the human list. I have read Song of Solomon, and I know that it is sensual, but I have also noticed that it takes up only a few pages in the Bible. God intended for sex to be a good thing shared between a man and a woman after marriage. It was never intended to be an addiction that we cannot live without. Once it becomes a major focus of a relationship there will be problems. If you are not married and your relationship has gotten physical, it is nearly impossible to put it in reverse without making some major changes and decisions. These changes are not made with your boyfriend; they are changes that you make on your own. If you were not reading between the lines, I am suggesting that you break up with your boyfriend. This does not mean that you cannot be in a relationship later, but it does mean that you need to shake him up and let him know that you are putting your foot down and your morals first. By doing this you are looking out for him, but you are primarily looking out for yourself. Proverbs 4:23 says “above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.” Remember that the heart has an amazing ability to heal and God can restore anything, but there is no sense in putting it to the test. So, guard your heart now while you are young and deciding what you like, and later when you have made a commitment through marriage it will be an amazing gift.

- Mitch Ebie

The Right Guy

Galatians 6:9 Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.

I’m tired of always dating the wrong guys! What can I do to attract a guy who will actually treat me right, and like me for who I am, instead of for what I look like?

The issue is never the issue. In this case, it seems to be that good guys are not attracted to you, but the real issue is that you are not attracted to the good guys who are attracted to you. And isn’t that how relationships are––she likes him but he likes some other girl who likes another guy. Sometimes all you can do is laugh.

There are plenty of options out there, and for every guy who you know is attracted to you there are at least a dozen more that never say anything. Therefore, remember that you are definitely attracting guys that will like you for who you are. The question is do you notice them?

I will be the first to admit that the male species is peculiar. But before talking about all of the nonsensical things that guys do, let’s start by asking what you could do differently. Sometimes we forget that we are not only looking for Mr. or Mrs. Right, we are striving to be Mr. or Mrs. Right for someone else.

People are like display cases, and everyone who walks by is doing a little window shopping. Ask yourself what you are putting out for display. Are you setting out your long curly hair, fancy car, and shorts that are way to short, or are you displaying modesty, gentleness, compassion, hospitality, and purity? It is true that if you are not displaying the former, then you may not have as many guys who are interested, but by offering godly qualities, you will ultimately not get any returns or exchanges.

If you are like most people, you are thinking, But I want people to stop and look now, not in a few years. This is where many of us get into trouble; we lack the foresight to see a bright future and the patience to wait for it. The best thing to do is show your godly qualities, and in the meantime resist the wrong guys and have patience until you start to notice the good guys. Expect it to be difficult, maybe the hardest thing you have ever had to do, but do not be discouraged; God has given you the ability.

There are guys out there that have their heads in the clouds, and there are some who have their heads in the sand. As funny as it might sound, these are the guys that girls seem to notice initially. The first guy is mysterious and romantic; the other is like a lost puppy begging for someone to take care of him––and let’s face it, who doesn’t want to help a lost puppy? But don’t forget that there are lots of guys standing with their feet on solid ground and their eyes focused straight ahead. They may be noticing you. Those are some of the guys that will like you for you, and they are some of the guys who are focused on God first. If you are attracting guys that are not good for you and are not genuine, and you are attracted to those same guys, then you have a challenge to embrace, and it will require patience.

Have you ever wondered why patience is such a major theme in the Bible? What do we need patience for, and how do we get it? Well, it is for putting up with others and ourselves as we mature, but getting it is not as easy. We cannot do much to help others mature and that is because each person has to decide for himself/herself, but we can decide to help ourselves with God’s guidance. You may have noticed that when you pray for patience God seems to give you struggles instead. Ironically, it is overcoming the struggles that leads to patience, and it is the patience that will help you to see the plan that God has for you. Galatians 6:9 tells us to be patient while pursuing things that are righteous. When we chase after the wrong people and display anything that is not Christ–like, we are not following the example that Paul wrote for the Galatians. “Do not be discouraged when resisting temptations; be optimistic for the future because when the time is right you will appreciate what God has reserved for you.” Have faith that God has reserved something wonderful for you.

- Mitch Ebie

Mean Boyfriends

My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost a year and we are so in love. We do everything together, and he always brings me flowers and other small presents. The problem is that sometimes he acts a little mean in front of other people and it really embarrasses me. He’ll jokingly tell me to shut up, or he’ll throw my food away before I’m finished and joke that I don’t need the extra calories. I don’t understand why he does that because he’s normally the perfect guy. Is there something I can change about myself to make him be nicer around his friends, or do I just need to be tougher and not let it bother me?

- Embarrassed in Alabama

The love discussed in 1 Corinthians 4-7 is very different from the love you just described to me. Check this out:

“Love is patient, love is kind and is not jealous; love does not brag and is not arrogant, does not act unbecomingly; it does not seek its own, is not provoked, does not take into account a wrong suffered, does not rejoice in unrighteousness, but rejoices with the truth; bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.”

Real love acts like the love described in the above passage. Being mean to you in front of other people and telling you to shut up is not acting patient or unprovoked, and is not at all becoming.

Your boyfriend might just be immature, or he may not even be aware that it hurts you when he acts that way. Guys joke with each other a lot, and he might think it’s okay to do that with you. Talk with him about this. Tell him how it makes you feel and give him specific examples of when he has acted mean. If he refuses to listen to you, don’t expect him to change in the future.

Something you said that really stands out is the comments he makes about calories. This is definitely a red flag. He might argue that he has good intentions to help you be healthier, but throwing away your food before you’re finished eating is a very poor way to go about trying to help. Talk to him about this, and if he doesn’t understand why it’s a problem, I can only suggest moving on.

I also suggest talking to your mom or another older trusted woman who cares about you. Make sure the person you choose to talk to knows both you and your boyfriend, because they’ll probably be able to give you more direct advice of what to do.

Above all, pray about your decision. Ask God for wisdom to know what to do. Ask Him to open your eyes to the truth of who your boyfriend really is. Then accept the answer. If your eyes are opened to see a person with huge character flaws, break up with him (see July’s Dating article for more information about this).

Be careful not to let the longevity of your relationship affect your decision. Even though a year can seem like a long time now, when you’re young, keep in mind that a year is very little when compared to an entire lifetime. Dave Ramsey says that the only thing worse than being in an unhealthy relationship for year is being in an unhealthy relationship for a year and a day!

Remember that the way your boyfriend acts isn’t your fault, so there’s nothing you can change about yourself to make your boyfriend treat you better. You deserve the best, which is what God wants for you, so please don’t put up with anyone mistreating you. If you break up with your boyfriend, don’t worry about who you’ll date next. Learn to be happy being single, and trust that God will lead you to the right person at the right time, someone who will treat you the way that’s described in Ephesians 5:25: “Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.”

- Nathan

Mixed Swimming

My mom doesn’t want me to go swimming with my guy friends this summer because she says it is hard for a guy to keep his thoughts pure when he’s around girls in their bathing suits. What’s worse is she won’t even let me get a bikini! All of my friends are wearing them! She says she’s just concerned for my purity, but I think she’s being way too overprotective. Can you please explain to her that it’s not a big deal??!?!!

–Dying of Heat in Georgia

I know how you feel—you think your mother is being way too restrictive and doesn’t have any idea what’s cool now. While that might be true, she still has your best interests in mind. It’s not that she doesn’t trust you; she obviously just understands teen boys. I’m sorry, but I’m not going to be able to help much with the fashion side of things—check out Alicia’s article for that—but I do think I can help with idea of both sides of the situation and give you a direction to go.

What’s the big deal about a bikini anyway, right? “It’s just a bikini and everyone else wears them.” Or, “That’s just the way things are today.” I’m sure these thoughts have crossed your mind, so let’s think about it for a minute and decide what the real issue is here. If we take a look at 1Timothy 2:9, it says, “likewise also that women should adorn themselves in respectable apparel, with modesty and self-control….” So, girls are supposed to be modest. Anyone can take an honest look at this verse and agree that bikinis aren’t modest. The verse also mentions respectable apparel. I think respectable apparel would be clothes that allow the wearer to be respected.

So, what about swimming with boys? In the appropriate situation, I think this is just fine, but I’d definitely not swim alone with a boy. Even if your intentions are pure, his might not be, and even if they are, he can easily be severely tested. You can help out by talking to your mom and setting up some rules–don’t forget to cover all the bases. Important situations to talk about would include the public pool, pool parties, going swimming on dates, swimming at camp, and swimming at the beach. Taking responsibility for yourself can often be met with greater trust. Of course, in the end, you must obey and respect your parents’ decisions. If they have clearly stated that you may not swim in the company of boys, then don’t. It doesn’t matter if everyone else is, or if you feel uncool, or if you think it’s simply just unfair and too old-fashioned. “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right” (Ephesians 6:1 ESV). This verse in Ephesians does not include the word unless. (This means no switching swimsuits after leaving the house and no lying about who all will be attending that pool party!)

Now for the second half of that question. I will confirm that if you get that bikini, you will get attention. However, it isn’t going to be the attention a Christian girl should be looking for. God designed guys to be visual. We can’t help it; it’s just the way we were made. God made us that way so we can enjoy our wives after we’re married. We are made to like what we see, and to want more of what we see. When God designed us that way, he wasn’t intending for females to walk around in skimpy clothes or bikinis. He was intending for us to have fun with our wives at home. Read Song of Solomon chapter four if you need a better explanation of this! When girls dress immodestly, they are dressing in a way God does not approve of, and they are tempting men to lust over them. All men are tempted in this area—Christians, non-Christians, married, and single. It doesn’t matter who the man is—God designed all of us to be visual! You will be respected more when you’re dressed modestly, and we’ll appreciate you for your godliness and consideration.

Remember that your mom is just trying to protect you because she understands men a little better than you do; so try to listen to her and be patient with her, because she’s doing her best. It might require a little more work and some well-thought-out shopping, but you can find alternatives that will keep both you and Mom happy. Just a simple google search for “modest swimsuit” yields tons of results. You can also try your local mall or other stores, but finding one online that suits your taste might be a little easier.

When looking for a suit, keep a few things in mind:

1. Does this swimsuit cover a lot more than your normal underwear? If not, then call it what it is; don’t believe a name change makes it acceptable to wear in public.

2. Is the suit family friendly? What if you wore this swimsuit with your family at the beach? Would you feel comfortable?

3. Are you embarrassed? Try the suit on and walk outside the changing room. Just how red your face turns is a good indicator!

4. Is it functional? Look for something secure enough that it’s not going to malfunction (think strapless or too loose) if you take a jump off the high dive.

You can look attractive and modest at the same time, so please do all men a favor this summer and cover up.

“And he will spread out his hands in the midst of it as a swimmer spreads his hands out to swim, but the LORD will lay low his pompous pride together with the skill of his hands.” Isaiah 25:11 (ESV)

By Nathan Parks