Archives for August 2009

Mom’s Advice: Bed and Clothes

Our mom’s give us plenty of advice as we grow up, especially as we reach adulthood. But how often do we listen to it? When we’re moving out of the house is a great time to seek mom’s wisdom on some of the important things in life––like how to keep a house.

Make your bed!

fam1You’ve probably grown up hearing those words: make your bed. And while you may have ignored them many times, nothing cleans up a bedroom more than a bed that is made. And this doesn’t mean tossing your dirty laundry on the bed and covering it with the comforter before guests arrive. Visit wikihow.com to learn how to neatly make your bed, hospital corners and all.

A well-made bed may be aesthetically essential, but a clean set of sheets is hygienically important. You should get into the habit of changing to a clean set of sheets once a week. Not only will this remove dust mites and dirt, but it will help your sheets last longer too.

There are a few basic things you need for your bed. Obviously, first are the sheets. Unless you want to wash and dry your sheets immediately when changing the bed, it’s nice to have two sets––one to put on the bed while the others are being laundered. One important, yet often forgotten item for the bed––which never gets seen––is the mattress pad. Although this may seem like an unnecessary addition, it will keep your mattress (usually an expensive part of your bed set) cleaner and in better condition. And it adds extra softness to your slumber. If you’re like most people, you’ll probably want a pillow––or three. The number is up to you, as is the firmness and thickness. Next comes the blanket, although you may choose to take this off if you tend to get hot in the summer months. And lastly, most people have some sort of comforter or bedspread. The choice is up to you. Some prefer the frilliness of a bedspread; others, the simplicity of a duvet comforter; and others, the uniqueness of a homemade quilt.

Pick up your clothes!

More than likely, you have at least one thing that will need ironed while living on your own. And while you may never have had to iron at home, now’s the time to take a lesson from Mom. (You can also visit this article on ehow.com to learn about ironing a shirt.) There are several ways to ruin clothes while ironing, so it’s important to know what you’re doing. Obviously, leaving the hot iron sitting on your clothes will burn them. But a wrong setting on the iron can also damage your wardrobe. One thing that is often neglected is cleaning your iron. Make sure that you’re not ironing with a dirty soleplate. This grime may transfer onto your clothes.

fam41Of course, before you can iron your clothes, they need to be clean. Many people have had to do some bit of laundry before leaving home, so hopefully this will be somewhat familiar to you. If not, here’s a little Laundry 101.

Sort your stuff––First start by sorting your laundry by color––whites/lights and darks (reds are also separate). Then sort them further by delicates, towels (which produce lint), lingerie (lingerie bags are great for this), and heavier items such as jeans and sweatshirts.

Pretreat stains––If anything is stained or soiled, now is the time to deal with it. Check your clothing carefully for any stains that need to be treated. Once your clothes have been dried, the stains are pretty much set in. Go here for a list of stain removal tips.

Load the laundry––Now it’s time to fill the washer with your first load. Put in the laundry detergent while running the water in the machine. Remember to consider what temperature is recommended for your load (check the tags!) and which cycle to set it on (again, the tags!). (Keep in mind there are some clothes (silk, linen, wool) that may need to be dry cleaned.) Do not overload your machine! As proud as you may be to fit all 3 weeks’ worth of laundry into one load, it will not be clean when it comes out. There needs to be room for your clothes to agitate (move around) during the wash cycle.

Drying time––When your load is done washing, it’s time to dry. There are some items that may need to be kept out while drying, such as bras and other delicates. Note what setting the dryer needs to be on for your load.

Time to fold––All your hard work will be lost if you leave your clean laundry in a pile on the floor for the next week. As tiresome as it may seem after your day with the washer and dryer, you need to fold your laundry and put it away. If it needs ironed, iron it as soon as possible so you’re not having to iron a wrinkly dress 10 minutes before you need to leave for work.

Stay Tuned

Later, we’ll discuss basic clean-up and supplies needed, so check back soon!

By Lisa Grimenstein

The Wedding Helper: The Big Day

We recently discussed helping the bride before the wedding. Now we’re going to cover how to help on her big day.

hh3The big day

The babysitter

If the couple is like most couples, they have probably included children in the guest list. If you enjoy kids––and have some experience with them––offer to babysit the children during the reception. Depending on the number of children and the ages, you may need to include the help of several others. But this service will not go unnoticed––the adults will be able to enjoy some time with the newly married couple without having to make sure their little one’s fingers are not in the cake.

The chef

Although this can certainly mean you can offer to do the food for the reception, you don’t have to go that far. Offer to provide some pre-ceremony snacks for the couple and their wedding party, especially if they’ll be getting ready during meal times. On your own, or with the help of others, prepare several trays of fruits and veggies and small finger foods. The availability will encourage the bride and others to eat something even if distracted and nervous.

The makeup artist

If you love doing makeup for friends, this may be the perfect opportunity to help out. It can be expensive to hire a professional to do wedding makeup, but brides often want the “expertise” of someone else on their wedding day. Offer to do her makeup on her big day. Make sure you have at least one practice session before the big day. This will give you the opportunity to experiment with color and technique. Also, learn beforehand if the bride (or her party, if you are doing their makeup also) are allergic to any ingredients found in makeup and skin care products. Even if it’s not the wedding day, no bride-to-be wants a major breakout or rash!

The hair stylist

hh2This is another area where the expense can really interfere with a bride’s wedding budget. And even if you’re not the professional stylist, many people can create wedding day tresses. As with the makeup, make sure to schedule in several practice sessions. Come equipped with pictures of up-dos and other styles that might suit the bride’s hair type. Curling irons and bobby pins are often an essential part of styling, so have these on hand. And don’t forget all the supplies on the wedding day!

The photographer

If you can consistently take professional-looking pictures, are able to do basic photo editing (to fix blemishes, coloring, etc.), and have a nice, reliable camera that you’re familiar with, consider offering to take photos for the wedding, as either a photographer, or an extra. If you’ve never photographed a wedding before, practice taking photos at other friends’ weddings (with permission!) before the big day. This can easily save the bride over a thousand dollars, and is something you can do for free as a gift. You can give her a CD of the finished product (after you’ve touched up the good photos, and deleted the bad) so she can choose which photos she wants to post online or print.

The clean-up crew

Like decorating, this job does not require a lot of talent. It really doesn’t require any talent. But it is one job that is often neglected and left for the family to deal with after the exciting and exhausting day. Although this service isn’t going to be in any pictures, it’s one that will be much appreciated. Offer to stay after all the guests––and the couple––have gone, to help clean up the reception area (and ceremony area, if needed). The family may have already hired someone to do this, or it may be included in the cost of the reception hall. But if the family is responsible for clean-up, help them out. It will let them finish more quickly and get home to rest after such a big day.

Weddings are filled with planning––many people put more thought into the planning of the wedding than they do the marriage itself. Helping with the wedding preparation or the big day itself is a great way for you to serve others with the talents God has given you (1 Peter 4:10).

“‘Blessed are those who are invited to the wedding supper of the Lamb!’” Revelation 19:9

By Lisa Grimenstein

The Wedding Helper: Pre-wedding Assistance

hh1Her wedding is one of the most anticipated things in a girl’s life. We play it as young girls. We dream about it as growing young women. Then the time arrives––the wedding date has been set and it’s time to start planning. And this is where the stress often begins.

Although “wedding season” is coming to an end, there are still plenty of weddings going on, and more to come next spring. Many of you may have one or two friends getting engaged or planning their weddings. Now is your chance to help! Remember that while it’s fun–and helpful!–to play helper, and can save the bride a lot of money, make sure that you’re offering help in areas you are good at, not something you think would be fun to try, because inexperienced work could also cause the bride much unwanted disappointment and stress on her big day.

Pre-wedding assistance

The florist

Do you love arranging flowers? Maybe you work or have worked at a florist’s shop? This is a great way you can help out the bride-to-be. Offer your services to create the flower arrangements for the wedding. I know several people who have offered to provide flower arrangements and bouquets, at cost, for the wedding as their gift to the bride and groom. Not only does this save the couple the cost of paying someone to do it, but it allows you to bless them with the special gift of your service.

The baker

If your passion is baking, this might be a great way to serve the couple. Bake their wedding cake. Of course, this is definitely not the job for your average cake baker. If you feel confident enough to offer your services, make sure you practice, practice, practice! It would also be a good idea to take a class on cake decorating––especially one with a focus on wedding cakes.

The calligrapher

hh4Do people tell you you have great handwriting? Offer to help the bride with one of the most dreaded of all pre-wedding jobs––invitations. Set a day, or days, when you can get together and address wedding invitations. Not only will the job go faster, but it will give you some great talk time with your friend in the midst of all the wedding busyness.

The decorator

This is one of the most basic jobs you could help with. You really don’t have to be an interior designer to help out with the set up of the wedding and reception. Unless the couple are having their reception in a location where the decorating is taken care of, they will need to set up the place themselves. Offer to help set up flowers, lights, tables, and chairs at the wedding and reception places. This will remove a lot of stress from the bride and her family, who are usually the ones setting up.

Coming up

Later, we’ll discuss how to help the bride on her wedding day, so check back!

By Lisa Grimenstein

Instantly Changed: The Divorce

Read parts one through three in this series here, here, and here.

h2hb1After more than 20 years of marriage, we divorced. That was the most difficult thing I have ever done in my entire life. We were in marriage counseling for years and years, and if Frank really wanted to change then he would have in that amount of time. Frank loved himself more than anything or anyone else. I couldn’t take any more of his lies, his unfaithfulness, or his abuse.

I have always felt bad for my kids––for the fact that I didn’t leave Frank sooner and that I was too scared to stand up for myself or for my kids. Whenever I would stand up to Frank, he would get so angry and I would cower to him. He would throw things, break things, and yell so loudly at me or the kids. My oldest child always got the brunt end of his anger for some reason. I felt like I had to keep the peace in my home. I was always catering to Frank so he wouldn’t get angry with the kids.

Frank also used the kids against me. He would lie and tell me they did bad things so that I would get mad at the kids. I stopped doing that when I realized that Frank was manipulating me. He was jealous of my children’s relationship with me.

I feel bad that my kids have come from a broken home, even though they were all grown when we got divorced. There is nothing I can do about that though, because it is reality. They didn’t want me to stay with him. They knew he would still be unfaithful to me. They knew he wasn’t good for me. But I know it is still hard for them, especially during the holidays. I think we all would like to skip right over them all together. My heart aches at times for the pain they have gone through. They are all adjusting well, but it still hurts me, even though the divorce was not my fault, but rather because of Frank’s unfaithfulness.

I remember that while I was married, I always prayed that Frank would be a faithful husband to me, that he would put God first in his life, because if he did then he would be the husband I needed him to be and be the father to my children that he should be.

There was one major problem with that. Frank only loved himself; he wanted to satisfy his own lusts. He put his needs and desires before anyone else’s. Even if I was the most beautiful woman on the earth, I wouldn’t have been enough for him. He wanted to have variety and I couldn’t fulfill that. I always tried to look my best for him. I put makeup on everyday and did my hair. I tried to be attractive to him. I didn’t get it for a long time that it didn’t matter how good I looked. Frank was a cheater. He wasn’t going to change.

h2hb2I had to learn to be “real.” I always had this false hope that everything would work out––that Frank would change. I couldn’t understand why my prayers regarding Frank were going unanswered. I was hurting…deeply…why wasn’t God hearing my pleas? Then one day, I read in the Bible that God gives people over to their debased minds (Romans 1:28). I knew then that I needed to pray for the truth to be revealed to me.

Almost immediately things started presenting themselves to me that showed me reality. My marriage counselor had always told me to “be real.” It was painful––very painful. I was given the answers slowly. God only revealed them to me as I could handle them. Little by little I started growing stronger and trusting in God completely. He had heard my prayers. I just needed to understand that I had to pray for the truth to reveal itself.

There were times that I was on my knees, kneeling in prayer and sobbing. I prayed for God to help me. I didn’t always know what to pray for. I felt so alone. One day, after Frank and I had separated, I was on my way home from church. I was alone, and I wanted so desperately to just die right then, even if it was by my own doing. I thought of my children. I couldn’t do that to them. Even though I was leaning so much on them at that time for support, I knew that they still needed me. Sometime in life, they would need me when I became strong again. I went into my bedroom and fell on the floor, too weak to hold myself up, and I wept harder than I ever had in my life. I just prayed out loud, “Oh God, help me!” I didn’t know what to pray for but I knew that God was the only one Who could help me.

God helped me to get through my divorce. The pain of divorce and of breaking up my children’s home, as they knew it, was devastating for me as well as for them. I am so thankful for my children. Quite frankly, if it wasn’t for them, I wouldn’t have had the strength to go through with the inevitable. Frank can’t hurt me emotionally anymore. I won’t allow him to. It is amazing how deeply I loved Frank and now, how numb I am. My dad always told me there is a fine line between love and hate. I don’t hate Frank. I don’t feel anything at all toward him. I’m just numb.

The pain of divorce doesn’t only affect the two people getting the divorce, but it also affects children, extended families, friends, and brothers and sisters in Christ. People didn’t know how to treat me anymore, and I kind of became displaced. I was no longer invited to “couples” activities and I sat all by myself at church. I felt all alone.

Check back soon to read the conclusion of this series.

Anonymous

The Right Role

dating11Since the theme for this month is “Pierce my heart to serve,” I thought I’d take this opportunity to discuss a woman’s role in marriage and in society. My generation of women has been privileged to receive the same rights and freedoms as the men in our country. We can vote, become soldiers, work in the government, or be stay-at-home mothers. Our options are never-ending. In many ways this is a great improvement for our world and nation, but it can also hinder us from fulfilling and respecting the duties given to us by God. Sometimes we think that serving our husbands and being submissive to them is degrading or old-fashioned, but remember this: God loves us and would never command us to do something that is not for our best and His glory.

In Genesis 3:16 we find that God cursed women because Eve disobeyed His command. God said that women would have greatly increased pain during childbirth and that our husbands would rule over us. For most of us, the latter part of this curse is difficult to really grasp. How can we be equals to men in today’s society, yet be submissive to our husbands at home? That can be a hard thing to understand and a hard thing to practice, but I would like to explain it the best I can.

We are commanded to submit ourselves to our husbands in Colossians 3:18. We are to understand that he is the head of the house and is in authority to spiritually lead his family. This is a huge responsibility and takes a lot of work. Men are also given the role of authority in the church. Men are to hold positions as teachers, preachers, elders, and deacons. They have a lot of work to do, and we are to be supportive and serve God by serving them.

extra5When I was younger I used to say that no man was ever going to boss me around, but back then I didn’t understand the rest of God’s command. Not only did He command wives to be submissive, but He also commanded husbands to love their wives as Christ loves the church. This means there will be no bossing around or controlling. But my husband will love me, and I will serve and respect him. It is meant to be a mutually loving relationship where both give of themselves so that both can be satisfied.

In the church we can teach, encourage others, and help our husbands. It takes a lot of effort to be a participating church member and helpful wife, but it is also very rewarding. God wants us to be a part of His body! Just because we are women does not mean that we cannot be strong individuals. As women, we are able to do so much for mankind and for God, and being submissive wives does not stop that at all. It only encourages our contentment!

By Shelby Garrett

Childish Behavior

Q. How can I control my childish wife?

aag1A. It is not our job as husbands to control our wives, but to love them unconditionally and sacrificially. This includes loving them––and showing love to them––regardless of what we perceive their faults to be. God is the One who should be in control of our lives and marriages. Although God commands our wives to respect us as husbands (Ephesians 5:22-24), He does not give us the authority to be “controlling” over our wives––as is mentioned in your question.

You cannot control her reactions, responses, and attitude; you can only control your own. The Holy Spirit is the only one that can convict her of her “childish” ways. You cannot and should not. If you try to convict her––or confront her in an unloving manner––she will probably resent you. Pray that the Holy Spirit will convict her heart to change, and also pray that God will give you the strength and patience (Colossians 3:19) to love her unconditionally, whether she changes or not (Ephesians 5:25).

I would encourage both of you to seek Christian marriage counseling. I hope you are part of a church family with some wise and discerning married couples to whom you could both (or at least you) go for advice. Also, hopefully you are in a church family where your wife could form strong relationships with godly women who could be a positive influence on her. Most likely, she would listen to their words with an open heart before she would listen to you. Do not, however, try to take matters into your own hands by telling these women about your wife––trust God to take care of this in His time. You can also form strong relationships with godly men who can be a positive influence for you, and who will encourage you to love your wife the way Christ wants you to love her (Ephesians 5:25-27).

I would recommend you do special things for your wife to demonstrate your love for her. You could make her dinner, buy her flowers, or do things around the house that are usually left for her to take care of. She may not acknowledge them, or appreciate them, but you will be showing obedience to God, regardless, by loving your wife as He commands. As men, we have a great tendency to want to “fix” things, but as Christians, we need to leave the fixing up to God and wait patiently on Him.

I also recommend seeing the movie “Fireproof,” which is about a man who gives his life to God, and in the process changes the direction of his unloving, broken marriage.

– Adam Grimenstein

One Man and One Woman

I could not let the marriage issue of Pierce My Heart pass without talking about the biggest marriage debate in politics right now: same-sex marriage. It seems more and more frequently, law makers and political figures are talking about whether or not homosexuals should be allowed to marry.

itw11There are currently six states that have voted to legalize same-sex marriage: Massachusetts, Connecticut, Iowa, Vermont, Maine, and New Hampshire. California allowed it for five months and recognizes the marriages that were performed during that time. New York and Washington DC recognizes same-sex marriages performed in other states but do not allow them performed there.

Many homosexuals claim that they are discriminated against because of how they were made. They claim that women were liberated and slaves were freed, and they themselves should be seen as complete equals. However, unlike race, gender, or disability, which makes up who a person is, homosexuality is what someone does.

God’s word once again holds the answer to this great debate. Marriage is between one man and one woman. Leviticus 18:22: “Thou shalt not lie with mankind as with womankind; it is an abomination.”

In addition to how God biologically made man and woman for each other, he also gave both distinct roles (Genesis 2:18-25). God made woman to be a “helpmeet” for man (Genesis 2:18). God also told man to “be fruitful and multiply” (Genesis 1:28); in a homosexual relationship procreation would be impossible.

As Christians, it is important that we stand up for what God’s plan was for marriage. While this means that we should fight for our country to not give in to the tolerance of sin—homosexuality or otherwise—we also need to be sure that we are displaying the love of God to everyone, since we, too, are sinners. If we have a relationship with someone who is struggling, we can kindly tell them about God and His love for all people, and His desire for them to have a relationship with Him. That is the one relationship that truly matters.

By Sarah Ancheta

Fireproofing Your Marriage

“Fireproof doesn’t mean that a fire will never come, but that when it comes, you’ll be able to withstand it.”

mm11Have you noticed how Hollywood seems to delight in marriage? But not a healthy, godly marriage––marriages that are broken and unfaithful. We are constantly informed of the latest news of a star’s ending marriage, or of some unfaithfulness going on. And most of the time, it’s with some amusement. That’s why it’s so refreshing to watch a movie that portrays a real glimpse of what marriage often becomes, and what it should be.

Fireproof is one of the best and most convicting movies I’ve seen. Produced and directed by a church in Georgia (who has also made several other movies), this $500,000 movie has brought in tens of millions. Although I was skeptical of the acting, which had been reported as being mediocre, I was blown away by the message.

Kirk Cameron plays lead character Caleb Holt, a firefighter whose seven-year marriage is burning to the ground. He has experienced the ever-common complaint of many married couples––he’s fallen out of love. And his wife, Catherine, played by new-actress Erin Bethea, feels the same way. They both individually feel as though there is no love left in the marriage and that anything good is far outweighed and overshadowed by the bad. The film is very honest in portraying some of the “parasites” in marriage. Caleb struggles with pornography (the movie is very subtle with this), and Catherine faces a temptation many women encounter––another man who attends to her emotions while her husband neglects them.

On the brink of deciding on divorce, Caleb is challenged by his father to try the “Love Dare.” He reluctantly commits to this 40-day challenge of sacrificially loving his wife, and struggles to remain dedicated as his wife rejects any effort on his part to save their marriage. In one moment of frustration, he argues with his dad, saying, “How am I supposed to show love for somebody who over and over and over constantly rejects me?!”

It’s then that the amazing truth behind a successful marriage is revealed––we can’t do it without God’s Spirit working in us. Jesus could have easily asked the same question to His Father––“How am I supposed to love them when they keep rejecting Me?!” As Christians, though, we are given this Helper. When we acknowledge that we don’t have the strength in us to love our spouses on our own, and allow God’s Spirit to work in us, that is when we are able to love our spouses the way God commands.

Fireproof does a great job of realistically portraying a deteriorating marriage that is void of God. It is also very straightforward in its message of what God wants a marriage to be. This movie is one that should be seen by any married couple, whether they are struggling or not, as it challenges us to evaluate our marriages and sacrificially love our wives and respect our husbands as God commands (Ephesians 5:33).

By Lisa Grimenstein

No Excuses

jft3We are all sinners (Romans 3:23). But how often do we try to excuse our sin? As a mom, I expect my sons to obey me. Immediately, completely, without argument or complaint. I’m their parent, and it saddens me when they are disobedient.

But how often do we complain or argue about being obedient to our Parent? Sometimes, we just look the other way and completely ignore the command put in front of us. Sometimes, we tell our Father that we’ll get to it in a minute. Later, we say. Or we give it a half-hearted effort, only partly doing what He requests in His word. Imagine how that saddens Him.

I don’t give my children rules and commands in order to punish them or control their lives. I do it to train them and help them grow, in the hopes that they will ultimately desire to live obediently for God. In this same way, God desires for us to grow up in Him, and He gives us His Holy Spirit to strengthen and help us (Philippians 1:19).

Too often, even with my children and husband, I’m tempted to rationalize my sin if I react impatiently or selfishly to a situation. But does anything really excuse my sin? No. God doesn’t include “exclusions” in His Word. Just as with my children, disobedience is disobedience, regardless of how I might try to excuse it. We will never learn anything about obedience if we think we have the right to excuse ourselves from it. Let’s pray that we’re reminded of that the next time we’re tempted to tell God, “Later.”

By Lisa Grimenstein

Whose Approval?

jft21“Am I now trying to win the approval of men, or of God? Or am I trying to please men? If I were still trying to please men, I would not be a servant of Christ.” Galatians 1:10

Whose approval do you seek? I have to admit, I’m a people pleaser. I don’t want people to be upset with me. I want them to like me. But recently, I’ve realized that the only One from Whom I need to seek approval is God. Ultimately, eternally, He is the only one whose opinion matters. I’ve known this to be true, but lately, I have realized how important it is to keep His approval foremost in my mind.

As it says in Galatians, I am a servant of Christ, and should therefore not still be seeking the approval of men. As you go about your life, think about whose servant you are. Consider the eternality of whose approval you are trying to win. Will it really matter if you always pleased your friends, employers, acquaintances? Or will it matter that you loved others while ultimately living to please only Him?

By Lisa Grimenstein