Q. “I have a friend that constantly talks about people behind their backs. However, when that friend comes around, she is ‘best friends’ with them. I struggle to watch this situation go on and on. It doesn’t seem right how one person can be so nice toward someone else and then be so mean when they turn their backs. It’s frustrating and annoying. How do I deal with people like this?”
-Erin
A. Unfortunately, this is a pretty common problem among teenage girls. I have had similar experiences with my friends. It can be very annoying. You don’t want to offend the person because she’s still your friend, but you can’t just sit and watch her do this while the other person remains oblivious to it. What is even more frustrating is that you know that the Bible condemns this action as hypocrisy. While I don’t have a “magical” solution, I do have some suggestions.
If you don’t want to anger your friend by pointing out her hypocrisy, you could just say something nice to defend the other person and let your friend know you disapprove. For example, if she begins to talk about this person, you might say something like, “Really? She’s always been nice to me” or “I always thought you guys were like best friends.” You could also let her know that you don’t feel comfortable or right talking negatively about other people. Hopefully, she’ll take the hint and stop talking about her, at least around you. You might encourage your other friends to do the same when they’re around her so that she might stop doing it altogether.
If you can find the courage, you should try talking to your friend about the problem. It’s important to be polite and kind while doing so. It’s hard to have a reasonable conversation with someone if she’s angry or hurt. If she’s a fellow Christian, you could remind her that hypocrisy is condemned in the Bible (Luke 11:44; Matt. 6:1-6; 23:13-15). You are not helping her to grow by ignoring her sin. If she’s not a Christian, you can let her know that this offends you. You might say that it makes you wonder if she talks about you this way and that it’s not something a good friend would do.
I don’t think that you should tell the person she’s talking about that she’s doing this. It would only create more drama. Of course, this doesn’t mean that you should to lie to her, either (Colossians 3:8-10).
Remember to be nice when talking to your friend about it. If she doesn’t listen to you and you don’t think you can be around her anymore without getting upset, it might be best to end the friendship. Spend your time around people who can help you grow in Christ and who lift up others.
– Rachel Conley
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