Does Weight Matter?

I can never get a guy to even look at me because I’m big!!!!!!!!!! How do I find a guy that won’t mind my weight?

I Samuel 16:7 “…The LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.”

Do you have a criterion when looking for a guy to date? Does he have to be taller than you? Does he have to have a Master’s degree? Does he have to be physically fit? You may have said yes to all of these things, or perhaps you don’t require any of them. Whether you do or not, most of us have a list of things we want in a partner and things we do not want. Sometimes that list consists of things that don’t matter, like hair color, but most of that list consists of things that have some sort of rationale. For example, girls often want a guy that is bigger than them so that they look and feel smaller. A girl might want a guy with a Master’s degree because to her that translates as security; or she might want a guy who is physically fit because it insinuates that the guy is energetic and enthusiastic, which translates as success.

Guys have lists in mind too, and sometimes, as unfair as it is, appearance is high on that list. Fortunately, the more mature a person becomes, the more they will look for what makes a relationship work and less at what does not matter; and you will recognize maturity when a person makes appropriate and thoughtful choices. It might be fun to hang out with a supermodel for a day or two, or sporadically, but looks alone will not make a relationship strong and healthy. First Samuel 16:7 says: “…The LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.” We often care more about the outside of a person than the inside, and this verse implies that it should not be this way. We should strive to be more like God and look at the heart and less at appearances.

Sometimes being big is just who we are. It might be a matter of genetics, or maybe you are just taller than most girls and there is no amount of dieting that will change that. But sometimes being big is a symptom of underlying issues. There is something here that is more important than worrying about guys not looking at you because you are “big.” Do you like who you are, regardless of your size? There are days when you may not like who you are based on a bad decision, and there may be longer periods of time that you do not like yourself because of the people you surround yourself with, but as followers of Christ, we should like who we are. In the meantime, try to consider it a blessing when guys overlook you because you are big; they are focusing on the outside. It might sound nice to have lots of guys liking you, but the more people notice you, the more they could distract you. Your goal should not be to get as many guys as possible to stare at your body––regardless of your size. If you are looking for a meaningful relationship, then your goal should be to attract only the guys that care about you as a person, and vice versa. The way to attract them is with good character and self confidence.

The bottom line is that something has to change, and that can be scary, because change is one the hardest things a person can go through, especially when it involves changing self perception. In your case, you may have to change eating habits, exercise, or both, which means that you may have to change when and where you spend your time. However, the more essential and difficult change deals with your self-esteem, which is the culmination of the way you see yourself and how you think others see you. A real change of character requires a watershed moment. This is basically the moment when you decide in your heart that you are going to go through a transformation. The watershed moment leads to a crucible period, which is basically a much longer period of time that really tests who you are. For example, when people make their New Year’s resolutions they may have had a watershed moment. The next step, the crucible period, is spending the next six months or a year fulfilling that promise. Unfortunately, many people fail to stick to the commitment; in other words, they cannot endure the crucible. But this is where you are going to be different. You are going to love who you are and you are going to make any changes that are appropriate and reasonable. I did not say strive to become the prettiest girl is school, or the thinnest, but a person you are happy to be.

Being physically attractive or caring about your appearance is not inherently wrong; it is completely normal to want to be attractive. However, it should not supersede the humble pursuit of self-confidence, not to be mistaken for pride. Ask yourself if being big is something you can change, and if you are willing. Or is it something you cannot change? If it is something you can change and you want to, yet you do not, it may be perceived as weakness of character. If it is something you cannot change and you accept it and love who you are regardless, it will be perceived as strength of character, and quality guys will notice that.

The other day I caught a story on TV about a man who was confined to a bed; he could not move because he was so big. That is obviously unhealthy. However, there is a point when big does not mean unhealthy, or lazy, and of course, not unattractive. You have to decide if guys are not looking your way because you are big, or if they are not looking at you because you are self conscious about being big. One of the most unattractive things to a guy is insecurity; you have to figure out a way to love yourself if you have not already. People like people who like themselves. Understand that even thin girls can be viewed as unattractive if they are insecure. As funny as it might sound, try spending some time with yourself. Figure out who you are and realize all of your great qualities. Believe that you are valuable, and guys will start to believe it too.

– Mitch Ebie

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